Used Heart Salesman

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Does anyone need a boyfriend? I charge a great price! Those other used heart salesman, they run around the block with promises, am I right? Big dicks, fat wallets, nice cars? I can promise you none of that, because promises were meant to be broken. But, what I can promise you is quality. Reliability, comfortableness. You know, homemade shit! No jokes, no lies, no paperwork! With these things, it’s like your grandma always knew ‘em. However, we do not offer test drives. The hope and nervousness really damages the product. But we make up for it with our low, low prices! So come on down, take a look around, and I can guarantee that you’ll come home today with a real, grade-A bloomer!


I really fucking hope so.



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Hello valued customer. Just wanted to let you know that our hearts are on a going-out-of-business sale! The truth is, I ran my families business into the ground. You know, the market being the way it is, the end was coming sooner or later. You wouldn’t believe the type of shit we had coming in these past couple of years! Woo! Whiny, desperate little things that couldn’t jump start a golf cart with all the battery power in the world. I can only do so much, the fact is these things won’t sell. I realize this is TMI, but maybe if these things were on a sleeve somewhere they’d sell better! Anyways, let’s get down to brass tax:

(These are the lowest prices you’re going to see anywhere, so act now!)

Love: 98% off
Compassion for the human race: 75% off
Need/Want: 80% off
Self-Worth: 90% off
Life Enjoyment: 99% off


Whatta ya got? $30? No? I can go to 20. You know what, just take it. I can’t deal with this anymore. Fuck it.





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